Posts Tagged ‘love’

I have been pretty quiet as of late…
I had to search my soul…
I had to enter the darkness to find the light…
I had to let go of the fear to feel the love…

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Dear Ben&Jerry…

What does one say at a time like this? We have been together for so long… years really… you have brought a sweetness and richness into my life, like no other. You were there during my university days, when I crammed for finals and pulled all-nighters to complete my term papers (using a card-catalog and on a word-processor, no less). You were there when my roommates were out and I found myself home alone. You were there when he said “I wish I could have two wives.” You understood how that stung… that he was telling me I was second best. You waited for me while I spent 6 months in Moscow, Russia and two months in Duisburg, Germany for internships… I had to put some distance between me and him. You understood. You remained by my side as I struggled with my decision to leave Germany and its possibilities.

You were there as I celebrated with others – my birthdays, college graduation and my first “real” job. You were by my side for far too many lonely nights in my first apartment… as I wondered if I would ever find him. You were there for girl’s night with my Mom and sisters – where we had a rule of “no digging for the good stuff” as we passed you around… you never complained about our movie choices, although others might have… you didn’t even fuss if we had already seen it several times ;0} You were there as I had to be fitted for yet another bridesmaid dress and not my wedding gown (I do have 6 sisters… so it is to be expected, but I am also the oldest, so not really). You were there when I finally met “the one” on-line (you didn’t think I was crazy, even if our families did ;0})… you kept me company on those days where the distance between Massachusetts and California seemed unbearable.

You were there as I struggled as a new wife… transforming our virtual life into a real life… suddenly sharing physical space and not just mental and emotional. You were there as I struggled with infertility… and the empty nursery. You were there when I finally got a job (nanny jobs in Boston do NOT compare to those in California – that was a shock!). You were there when we lost Nessie during our move to Washington… and the many losses since then. You were there as we bought our first home… and stripped and re-finished the floors, and painted the walls and kitchen cabinets.  You were there as I found a better job and quickly moved up within the company. You were there when I saw the writing on the wall and made the move to another company… and celebrated becoming the manager and a bigger, much bigger paycheck. You were by my side when that company closed the doors of my store… and remained by my side as I faced months of rejection and unemployment… You were there as I returned to school as a “mature” student… once again taking exams and writing papers (much easier on a computer – no all-nighters this time).

You were there as I attempted to navigate all the changes that had come my way… as I questioned the future of my marriage and whether I was of any value to anyone… as I wondered if I would ever work again. You were by my side often after I insanely accepted, having actually sought, the job at the weight-loss clinic. I really wish you had spoken up on that one. Now that I think of it, you tried… you showed up almost daily ;0}. You were there as I took on work from home… but found that I needed human interaction. You were there as I waited and waited to hear from that company… the one that had 12,000 applicants for approx. 55 jobs. You were there as I second-guessed my decision to reject a job offer from a different company. It was a job… but I knew I would not be happy, but it was a job. You were there when I finally got that call from the company.

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I’ve spent a little too much time with you… as evidenced by the full curve of my hips. I’ve turned to you often in my days of struggle (and a couple of times in celebration). You never complained. You did everything you could… you brought me cookies, peanut butter-filled pretzels, chocolate, nuts, caramel, coffee and cobbler. You even tried yogurt for me. It really isn’t you, it’s me. I’ve changed.

This has to be the end. You no longer have what I need. I’m sure there is someone out there for you… someone who needs you. Don’t hide yourself away. I know someone will see you and stop in their tracks. They’ll swoon and go weak in the knees, as I once did. They’ll open that freezer door, pick you up and bring you home. Heck, some may not even wait that long to open you up and take in all you have to offer.

It was good… very, very good, while it lasted. But I need to move on to something different… I’ll think of you every once in a while. In fact, I’ll be carrying memories of our times together for a few more months, but I’m going to work hard to put it behind me. I hope you understand this is how it must be… we must part ways… spooning with you is no longer an option.

love,

Kari Ann

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sunshine, blue skies and belonging

What does HOME mean to you? Is it what you live in and where? Is it something physical or a feeling? How do you know when you are home? I have been thinking about this since Monday when I started Unravelling #2 – an e-course that encourages you to explore how you see your world through photography and writing… imagine me being drawn to such a thing =D

I have noticed that there are little things outside my house that make it feel like home for me… there is always a patch of blue sky – thanks to the mailbox the Hannays made for us when we moved into our house. There is always sunshine… even if I have to go to the backyard to see an artist’s interpretation of it. And there are little men scattered around the garden with pointy hats. It does not matter if they are meditating, working or listening, they are always there to greet me and make me smile…

heart, hands and the world

Inside there are reminders that there are many places my heart and hands consider home. My house is filled with the memories of my heart… those places where I had a connection with the people and the land… where I felt I belonged. Places I long to return to, so that I can feel that feeling of home again.

Home is where my heart is…  where I have dared to be vulnerable and was rewarded with love and acceptance. It is that safe place when things seem uncertain. It is a place of celebration and delight. It is where I want to be… surrounded by the people and things that I love!

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details inside and out

These are pictures my mother took while she was in Graz, Austria… where I lived until I was seven years old. We moved back to the states over 30 years ago, and yet I still considered Graz my Zuhause… my home. Mom shares this feeling… this longing… this homesickness.

cobblestones and birds

She knows my love of details and my love of Graz… as a birthday present to me, she combined the two. She happened to be in Graz in February. While there, she wandered through Graz taking pictures of things she thought I’d remember or love… she did an AMAZING job. I won’t share all of them here… just a few of her themes!

Semmels. Sueßigkeiten. Blumen. Stoff. Straßenbahn…

When we lived there we were always out shopping for the daily necessities. On and off Straßenbahns, feeding… or I should say chasing pigeons, passing gumball machines, looking for perfect fabrics, walking through parks and checking out flowers… it was always an adventure.

out and about

The things I miss most… because there’s nothing close here in Washington state… village towns with churches and their amazing steeples… Straßenbahns and fortresses… clock-towers and passageways… and HUNDREDS of years of history. This may sound strange, but I can smell Graz when I see theses pictures… it’s as if I am standing in my friend’s shoes… looking out over Graz. Perhaps it is wishful thinking =D

Thanks for all the memories Mom!!

Graz, Austria – as Mom sees it!

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I love seastars.

I really love seastars.

Happy Together

I especially love seastars clustered together. There is something about those little clusters… especially when there are different colors. One day I will get brave enough to view them from under water. The image must be even more spectacular when the anemones are open. That’s what those little green mounds are – anemones tucked in waiting for the water to return. Under water they open up and dance.

Beach #4

playing with textures on the last two pictures =D

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Life as I See It…on Valentine’s Day

14 years ago

It was fourteen years ago, today, that I first saw my love. We had been writing and calling for months… met online. We were in love… but he was in Southern California and I was in Boston. There was something he wanted to ask me… but it couldn’t be asked over the phone, in an email or letter. It needed to be face to face. So out I flew Valentine’s Day… rose by rose he professed his love and with the last one (three days later) he asked me to marry him, and I said YES!

one day at a time

The last fourteen years have not always been easy, but they have made what we have together stronger. Sometimes we had to step back and remove a pebble from a shoe… you know those little things that you try to ignore, but cause irritation, and sometimes pain, until they are removed? Other times we were hit with a wave of reality… unexpected challenges that knocked us off our feet… off our path. We have learned to help each other get back up on our feet… we have learned to walk this journey side-by-side.

leaving a mark

We have every intention of leaving a mark… to leave this world a bit better because we were here… to be generous with our gifts and talents. Some days we do better than others… some days we only manage to be generous with each other, but we are working on it =D

heart to heart

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Fresh As The Morning Dew

I love hellebores… the patterns and colors, but mostly because they are blooming in my garden right now. It is always a delight to see a little touch of color this time of year. This one caught my eye because of the trail droplets on its petal.

Freckles

This one I call freckles. She is one of my favorite. How can you not love such a sweet little face?

Hazelnut Pollen Cone

Every winter I have a little love affair with the pollen cones on my hazelnuts. We have a whole hedge along the side of the garden. In November the cones start to form. At first they are short and tight… I think they often go unnoticed because they blend in with the twigs. If you take the time to observe, you are in for a delightful show over the next couple of months. They relax and stretch… turning a golden-yellow with kisses of pink. Right now is my favorite time…

Flowers Past and Present

I think I may actually like my Pee Gee hydrangea best when her blossoms are brown and aged. They provide such a lovely texture for my garden… I can never bring myself to cut her blooms when they are their pale green in summer or rosy-pink in the fall. Good thing I have a camera to capture all her different stages…


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